Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's official drugs can't kill me
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
