have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
