Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
