remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
