You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
