Ambien. No doubt about it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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