These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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