Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
