Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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