the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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