do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
