ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
