Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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