Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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