I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I FOUND THE LEGS
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
