i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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