i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
