I didn't shave. On purpose
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
