No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
