my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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