She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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