Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
