I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
