Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
