nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
