my mouth tastes like poor choices
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
