I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
