His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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