yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
