we have officially lost it.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
