Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
