my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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