Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Randomize
