oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
