Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
