the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
