I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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