I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
