...so i touched it.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
