last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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