You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
