Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
