I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
