I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
