there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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