Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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