so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I look better un-naked...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
