and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
