explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
