New invention idea: vibrating tampons
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
